you know you've been playing too much mario kart when you see a curve in the road ahead and see yourself drifting around it
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I just saw a guy getting escorted with handcuffs on, I'm too drunk to be at the airport right now.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Man, you got so high you own goaled yourself in FIFA then got up celebrating.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
