She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
it's like I can see my whorish nature reflected back at me in his wedding ring.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
I pretty much told him I was too sober for this an just walked away and all I heard was "IT'S BECAUSE IM A BAD KISSER ISN'T IT" OVER AND OVER AGAIN
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Randomize
