Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Im calling you paparazzi cause of all the dick pics you take of your one night stands ps loved the panoramic one!
alright well Taco Bell Closes at 12 so you better pray to god she's asleep by then or I'm running in your house butt ass naked with a bag of tacos
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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