ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
I told my coworker that I'd get him some edibles because he wants to rekindle his marriage. I'd better get some good karma out of this.
should i be that dick who brings a carpet in an uberpool
Why are you moving a carpet?
it's unimportant
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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