omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
