She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
been home a week and haven't blacked out yet. i miss college
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I shotgunned a beer immediately puked and rallied. And by rallied I mean had sex in the bathroom after he held my hair.
What a gentleman.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
He said they were his favorite shoes.. So I threw one down the sewer. Now he'll keep searching the house for the other one. Sweet silent revenge.
Randomize
