Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Randomize
