piano lessons. No girlfriend. What's up.
mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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