someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
I’ll call you later. There’s a jilted trophy wife looking for a revenge fuck at my door
Randomize
