I skipped work to stalk him.
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Oh please, I could turn a Vienna Boys Choir concert into a shit show
Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
Blood and glitter go together right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
So will your sis find it a compliment if I tell her I lost out on some awesome dick to go to her bday dinner???
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
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