i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I'm going to book club and then I'm going to get laid. Being in your 20s ain't so bad sometimes.
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
HIS DICK IS SO AWESOME DUDE. 15/10 SURPRISE
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
Did u puke in a church parking lot? And go to the wrong funeral yesterday? Lol
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