Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
EARTHQUAKE STATUS DRINKING GAME
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
Sitting in my kitchen at 3am, craving dick and eating peanut butter instead. I'm not sure how I feel about being 27.
Sexiest use of a semi colon this week, congratulations.
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Really should've known 2020 was gonna suck when the guy dressed as baby new year got arrested at our party 5 past midnight...
Randomize
