6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Running my fingers through my hair is like that scene from Patch Adams where the girl goes swimming in a pool of spaghetti. I love molly.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
looked it up online and zoo tickets are only 20 bucks and there's also a museum of science close to the hotel.
i'm not going to a FUCKING museum. i want to be wasted and possibly double penetrated... have you EVER been on vacation?
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