Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
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