well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Definitely! I will do that this week. Right now, watching drag queens play with my dad's beard.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
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