I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
and after you realized your puke was bright blue, you started crying hysterically and screaming, "I DON'T WANT TO BE A SMURF!" no more uv blue for you.
he asked me to eat out his asshole. after five minutes of uncomfortable staring i realized he was serious.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I definitely hasselhoffed a taco bell burrito on my kitchen floor in front of my dad and little brother.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
He's a fucking ninja- think of the things he can probably do with his dick.
and then she sorta stared at me like "holy shit" and I looked down and my dog was licking her ass
Ruff night.
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
I regret nothing
Not even Married Dan?
I regret one thing
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