you didnt say anything until i brought it up today. i guess i misjudged your maturity.
I guess I misjudged your gender.
i just got a UPS package from a name and address i dont know, with one of my thongs in it. no recollection.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
It was about the point the universe collapsed in on itself and I was a singularity of insanity that I realized I was tripping balls.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Be there in 6 mins I’m smell like fireball. and strippers and need to use your showers before go home
Randomize
