Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
You dont lie about slip and slides
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
I'm petting the cat while shitting. This is all I ever wanted
Calling a preemptive no homo on tonight's activities
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I faked more orgasms with him then ever should be allowed for someone this pretty.
Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize