too bad you live with your parents still
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.
thank you for reminding me that I stumbled into a public place drunk at 9am wearing a chicks pants.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
As soon as I got there, you appeared out of no where, yelled "they're giving away free cigarettes!" in my face and then disappeared and I didn't see you the rest of the night.
It's 11:50 on Friday the 13th. There's a full moon. AND the bride to be just puked on herself while getting a lap dance from a stripper named...wait for it....LUCKY. Is this real life?
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Randomize
