Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
the facebook you made of my ass has 10 times more friends than i do.
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
