the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
The cleaning lady even cleaned my bong. I'm scared to open my sex toy drawer and see if and how she organized it
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
He was like low grade Riff Raff, but I hit it. Twice. His grill popped out the second time.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
I love how when he said ecstasy pills both of our heads whipped around like a couple of horned owls.
Randomize
