The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
