omg. I had the wrong window open and I accidentaly posted my credit card # on twitter
Whats your twitter name
I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
what kind of roommate is she really? she wouldn't even hold my hair back.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.
Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
We don't have paper towels so I microwaved a spinach/egg sandwich thingy wrapped in toilet paper. Toilet paper. so that's how my day started.
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