Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
People With No Siblings Will Never Understand These 23 Things
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
What can I say? When alcohol is my motivation, I can move mountains.
I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.
25 Seemingly Normal Things That Give Some People Massive Anxiety
I just got carded by a ten year old.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay