i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
I just had to google "How do I get semen stains off of drywall." I'm relatively proud of this
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
It was sweet, he carried me out of my bathroom after I passed out, built me a pillow fort so I wouldn't roll out of bed, set a glass of water on the table, and brought me a mixing bowl to puke in. Totally a sign we're more than just fuckbuddies.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
