1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Randomize
