Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
I told my dad that bagels were the equilelent of angels kisses and if he bought me one i would do a split
I don't remember anything but yelling at the ref in Spanish.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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