Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
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