My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
The stripper was dressed as the green lantern. Even for a geeky girls' bachelorette party it was lame ass.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I told him I was going outside to throw up and I ended up passing out in the front yard in my underwear for 45 minutes. When I walked back inside he said "where have u been?". My husband ladies and gentlemen
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