I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
Yeah...don't think he was sober. He kept screaming "I fucking love this game!". It was his Chase app.
btw telling the cab driver, that took you to your booty call that is now returning your wallet that you left in his cab, that you want to hug him is awkward
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
Last night I watered my lawn and smoked a joint then cooked a steak. I'm really killing this adulthood thing.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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