She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
Idk but she keeps giving me s'mores and I'm having a hard time caring about her alcoholism because of it
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
He cried & told me I reminded him off his mother. I don't want to talk about it. I want to drink about it.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
So I was dancing on a table with these three girls and my bro. Started to makeout with one and as the song ended I asked what her name was. She said, and I quote, "Nate we hooked up two weeks ago". To which my reply was to lift my beer to bro and proclaim, "RAGE".
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
Randomize
