literally had 100 drinks last night.
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
Apparently I was telling them, "I AM A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN AND I DON'T NEED YOU TO HOLD MY HAIR," and I pulled my hair back and puked.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
