I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
Just had a tv talk show interview in my mirror. Got into to some pretty heavy shit man, would have made good viewing.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
The only thing I remember last night was feeding my dog 4 McDoubles.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
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