my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
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Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
I didn't even have time to sit down and the nurse was like: ''You've been having unprotected sex.'' HOW DOES SHE KNOW?!?
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
hell hath no fury like a questionably-gay best friend scorned
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
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