Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)
but what if he tries to talk dirty to me with the lisp?
I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
My vagina bone hurts from grinding on that dude so hard.
I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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