we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I just spent so much time grooming my landing strip and like, sex isn't even on the agenda tonight.
One door closes, one man cooks for you through the next open door
you walked 30 min all the way back to the dorms at 2am?
i was more bummed that i dropped all my skittles.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Randomize
