Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
That was the night you tried to convince me you threw up your sould because your throwup was black
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I just remembered that I insisted everyone watch porn together last night.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Randomize
