The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
My boss' voice literally gives me gas
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I don't wanna hook up with anyone from minnesota
everybody there reminds me of mashed potatoes... white and lumpy
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
Life Goals: never under any circumstances, pee in an elevator again. No matter how drunk
Dude... I had a dream that I was getting high for the first time. I got to experience my weedginity again. It was glorious.
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
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