he was actually really polite. he asked before he came on my chest because he "wasn't sure my stance on it".
A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?
Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!
At what point would you like us to save you from yourself?
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
I don't remember what you did, but I DO remember that i'm supposed to hate you for it.
He texted me at 4:30 in the morning saying "I'm not drunk but I think you're beautiful" and then a facebook message at 6 am saying "hi" and the subject was "oh"
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
