I accidentally burped into my bong.
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
And then he said "good night girls" and kissed each one before I put my shirt back on
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The last thing I remember was riding in a grocery cart with two strangers while a cop pushed us
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Randomize
