I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I am on top of a rooftop peeing on your freedom
I wanted to get all my legit stuff out, but then I decided I didn't trust drunk me with my own things
Good decision.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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