i wish there were pregnant emoticons
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
We are not on the "bring me breakfast" level. He's bringing me penis if I ask for breakfast too I'll just sound greedy
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
My mom told me to get it out of my system now bc once I hit 30 it's not acceptable to get "white girl wasted".
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
Randomize
