Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
you're dressed like that and you're on the rag, that's false advertisment
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
They call you PBJ boy because you were trying to seduce me with pieces of a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Successfully might I add.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
Randomize
