can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I know it's my dream I got hurt enough to leave work but not hurt enough to stop drinking
I just masterbated to the Lets Get Ready To Rumble theme
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
my life is like one bad, slutty lifetime movie.
it's a shower with the lights off kind of day
There is a moment when you wake up with a butt plug in when you question your choices in life.
There is also a moment when you wake up in a kiddie pool of jello cubes where you question what the fuck you did last night. Are you still in the attic or did you go home.
Randomize
