I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
There's a naked kid on the floor on your side of the bed. Don't freak out when you wake up. I think we need to fix the lock on the door...
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
this is an emotional support booty call
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
Randomize
