Those balls look pretty dangerous.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
i knew it was time to leave the bar when i caught myself doing karate dance moves with a married man.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
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So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
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I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Despite breaking my phone, thumb, and my dignity, last night was pretty good.
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
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