I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I just watched the quarterback of Purdue get shut down by a girl at a bar. not a good omen
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
I just used cruise control in a 25 zone. When will this hangover end???
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
My dick can't jump between your dick and her mouth, man. It's impossible, I think.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
I just lost my handcuff virginity and not in the sexy way.
Randomize
