Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
I am midnight drunk by noon
So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
Slept in and having coffee. No sounds of whipping and no veiny dildos next to me. This is good. How's your mornin?
Randomize
