You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
i used the phrase horny rhinos in my paper. i hope my teacher appreciates the size of my balls
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
the people next to us at the red light cheered for you while you puked out the window...
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
What's the rule for getting in fights with homeless men in suits?
Here's a rule: don't
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Randomize
