What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.
this boner is exhausting
I am sitting on my kitchen floor drunk with a bottle of jose cuervo, tryin to make cinnamon rolls and write a paper. I love college
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
My dick hurts from so many people grabbing it last night. We're not going back to that club
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize
