I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I am the prescription. I can be taken orally or vaginally and in any dosage. This is why I went to med school.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Sooooooo, maybe just fucked on a motorcycle.
You can't say that. Only if you have peed on the side of the highway in daylight while signing Christmas songs can you say that.
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
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