Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
i dont think there is any level of not caring that i havent covered in the last month
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Doubtful. That seems irresponsible. The 4th will kill you if you stopped drinking until then. Let's think logically.
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
He told me that if he broke my bed my bed durring sex he would take me to ikea, but only on Monday because it's all you can eat meatballs. I think I'm in love.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize
