That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
It was confusing and full of hummus
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.
Are you high?
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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