My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
my mouth is as dry as a post-menopausal camel on antidepressant's vagina.
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
Had sex in a cemetery last night during a thunderstorm. I feel like my goth points have skyrocketed
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
