When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
you handed me the dorito you were about to eat and told me to 'keep him safe' while you went to the bathroom
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
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I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.
nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Oh man, buzzed lunch fridays almost got out of hand.
What changed your mind?
Being sober
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It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
Apparently my hair turned out really good because I got my butthole licked by a stranger last night
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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