the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
You threw up in a Dixie cup last night. Oddly, you just gained major points in my book for that.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
i just want a beer and a blow job. is that so much to ask?
and i just want a ring so i can stop faking it. is that?
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