she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'm gonna tell the medical examiner that your cause of death was over-arousal.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
