Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.
It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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