that's the second time you've been mistaken as a prostitute. maybe life is trying to tell you something
its my fault though, i'm wearing tights
you're hiking in tights? you remind me of dennis quaid's fiance in the parent trap
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I want her autograph on my taint
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
My intervention, when it happens, should have vanilla cake....buttermilk icing.
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
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